


lately you've been drifting far away from me

by theoneiam2277



Category: To Kill A Kingdom - Alexandra Christo
Genre: Depression, Don't Like Don't Read, F/M, Like In The Book, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Not discussed explicitly, POV First Person, Probably ooc, Unplanned Pregnancy, this was written at 2 am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29061483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoneiam2277/pseuds/theoneiam2277
Summary: It is difficult not to be a bit bitter sometimes.Some days, I feel nothing but positive emotions: happiness, pride, love, protectiveness, serenity... All the emotions that have been missing for many years of my life, when I struggled to keep up with my mother's demands and wishes. Most of all, nowadays I usually feel free.But not on the days that Elian and the Saad disappear on the horizon to yet another adventure.
Relationships: Lira/Elian Midas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	lately you've been drifting far away from me

**Author's Note:**

> This was written at 2 am, with a horrible book hangover, a few hours after finishing To Kill A Kingdom. It might suck, and the characters may be out of character. You have been warned.
> 
> There are no real references to depression in this fic, because I feel that word does not exist in Midasan or Psáriin, but Lira is definitely exhibiting some symptoms of metal health problems, perhaps depression during pregnancy. If this kind of tone in a fic is a trigger for you, please do not read and remember to take care of yourself.
> 
> Title from Måns Zelmerlöw's song Burning Stars (doesn't match the fic that much otherwise but was my mood while writing).

### LIRA

It is difficult not to be a bit bitter sometimes.

Some days, I feel nothing but positive emotions: happiness, pride, love, protectiveness, serenity... All the emotions that have been missing for many years of my life, when I struggled to keep up with my mother's demands and wishes. Most of all, nowadays I usually feel free.

But not on the days that Elian and the _Saad_ disappear on the horizon to yet another adventure.

On those days, I feel bitter. And I hate myself a little, because I feel jealous as well. How can I be jealous of Elian, of my beautiful man who loves me so, who pushes and pulls against me like an ocean tide and never lets me stagnate? How can I be jealous when I am supposed to want the best for him, want the world for him, want him to be happy every second of every day?

And I know it makes him happy to go on these adventures, to not have the responsibilities of a king. I wholeheartedly want him to have his freedom and his choice in life.

But on these days, I secretly wish for three things: that I could join him and see all these new places, or that he would finally want to stay with me more than he wants to go exploring, or that I at least would have the courage to ask him to stay. A week longer, perhaps, or a month? But I dare not even ask for a day, because I am scared of him denying me. I am scared that if he stays, he will be miserable, feet always itching to get on the move again. I do not wish to become the golden palace of a prison he so dislikes.

And it is not as if I am terribly lonely without him - I have my duties, I have my people and I have Kahlia. I have a hundred things to do and think about, but no one to confide in. My cousin is a great help, but she cannot be my everything, she has other things to think about in life, like building up a relationship with her remaining family. I miss Elian the most when I am indecisive, when I am angry and need a good swordfight and when I am at my lowest.

I wish I could go with him. It is unfair, how he managed to avoid his crown and yet I cannot abandon mine. I could choose a successor of course, and technically hand over the throne, but Keto is in turmoil, everything is changing, and I don't trust anyone to fill the role without taking advantage. Power goes to the head so easily. These are, after all, my people to protect.

So I swallow my bitterness, refuse to acknowledge the tightening of my throat and the burning in my eyes, and turn my back on the disappearing ship, once again. I have duties to attend to, I cannot stay here and cry over a man with a voyager's heart.

\----------------

It gets more difficult, every time. I never know how long he will be gone, if he will be safe, if he will return at all. 

This thing between us is so undefined, and maybe it is my fault because I do not know how to put it in words. My own language has none for the emotions I feel - another task to set to eventually - and Midasan is clumsy on my tongue. Then again, Elian never speaks much of it either. He seems content like this, with our arrangement. He does whisper words of love when we mate and he does treat me well and give me his attention when he is here, but he never asks for more and I do not know if that is the custom with human courting. I barely know what courting is, and maybe think the term lovers suits us better. 

I do not know if he takes others to bed. I do send mermaids and other creatures to follow his ship, to be assured of his and the crew's safety and any news, but I never ask them to report on his activities. It doesn't feel like my place. 

It is strange to me, to feel so uncertain. Mating with mermen, that I as Queen now have heard more about, seems very different from the mating Elian has taught me. And I only know what he has taught me, since I seek no other companions and am to shy and too prideful to admit my ignorance in such matters and ask Elian or even Madrid for more guidance. 

This whole love thing is so complicated, and I do not like being a slow learner.

\--------------

"We're setting sail tomorrow at sunrise, Kye," Elian remarks with a serious voice but a smile in his eyes. "Don't drink too much tonight."

Kye rolls his eyes and they start bickering half-heartedly as I turn my gaze and upper body away from them, glancing over the green-blue waters of the Sea of Diávolos at the horizon. The sun is setting, and I mentally calculate the hours. Too few. Hugging my arms around me I suddenly feel too fragile in this human body, and wish to return to the sea, maybe find a jellyfish and lay in the sand for a while. The pain would be preferable to yet another goodbye.

"Boys will be boys," Madrid grumbles, as she comes to stand next to me, drink in hand. No one would ever comment on her tolerance - it seems to be endless. "Who do you think will slop all their ale over the deck first?"

I look back through a curtain of my windswept hair at the guys, gesticulating wildly with mugs in hand.

"My bet's on Kye," Madrid continues when I don't answer. "But what's up with you, Lira? You're quiet."

Madrid is right. I am certainly not quiet, and I don't step back from challenges and bickering and definitely not from a chance to insult Kye. Nicely, of course. But the casual mention of leaving tomorrow, when he hasn't told me that beforehand, makes cold seep into my bones. And not the kind of cold I enjoy in my siren form.

"I still have some important tasks to complete today," I say, and it is not a lie. I always have things to do. I just neglect to say that they could also be completed tomorrow. "Had I known it was your last night I would have done them another time."

Madrid frowns and laughter rings in the air as Kye slips and splashes his ale on Elian. I don't give her the time to question me further.

"Give my love to Elian and Kye and the rest of the crew, will you? And tell them to not be stupid and get themselves killed. Have a good journey, Madrid."

Then I give her a brief smile and dive overboard, switching to my siren form mid-leap and cleaving neatly through the waves. I don't go to the palace, but I send word that anyone who asks for me there should be told that I'm out doing important work and may be contacted at my midday audience tomorrow. I burrow into the sand and make friends with the jellyfish to distract myself from my own thoughts.

Sunrise has come and gone when I return to my palace, and the _Saad_ is long gone. That Elian had been by once and asked for me doesn't quite soothe the ache in my heart. That Madrid asked as well does lift my spirits slightly - if nothing else, at least I have a friend who loves me and notices I am not alright, even if I don't give her the chance to help me.

\--------------

My moods swing worse and worse while the _Saad_ is gone and I desperately try to control them. I feel exhausted and my temper is closer to the surface than ever, and I don't understand what is wrong with me. These human emotions seem to make me so weak, when I need to lead by example and show my sirens that I am not scared of emotions and that I welcome them in my court and kingdom. Kahlia helps me and covers for me, but it takes a toll on her too when I am unhappy.

As the waves of emotion start causing nausea and lack of sleep, Kahlia decides I need a break. She takes over my duties for a week and then she bids me to take a vacation in a seaside town now popular among sirens. I lifted the ban on transforming into human form, and the new accords we signed means we are welcome on many shores.

The seaside town is lovely and calm, but my human form is just as sick and miserable as my siren one. A siren living there gently asks me if I would see a healer. She says she knows one most sirens go to, one that doesn't discriminate against us and seems interested in learning how we differ from humans healing-wise.

I reluctantly agree and go visit the tiny cottage. The woman is old, her skin like leather tanned by salt and wind but she seems to know her craft. Perplexed, I answer her questions and she cocks her head to the side.

"And when did ya last fool around with a boy, lassie?" She asks, and I look at her dumbly. "Sleep with? Make love to? Invite a man into your bed?"

Oh, those explanations make more sense. I count to two months and answer her.

"Well then, I'd say you're in the family way," she says and gestures for me to sit on a sturdy long bench. At my look of confusion, she says bluntly, "You're with child. Carrying a baby. Now lie down and let's have a look at you."

In a no-nonsense way she guides me to lie on my back on the bench and presses warm hands around on my belly and hips. I let her, because I'm too stunned to do otherwise.

A child? A little siren? 

I did not even know humans and sirens could make little ones. I did not even consider it. We have always mated with mermen when we need offspring. How does she know? How does this work? 

I must have asked her out loud, because she chuckles gently. "I've seen a few of your kind, I have, in these few years you've been on land. Fear not, queenling, the children are born perfectly healthy. Some of them more human, some more siren. It depends. Only thing that's important is to birth them on land. One poor child almost drowned when it was born more human than not. Luckily they were in shallow waters."

I walk away from there numbly, with some roots to chew on to quiet my nausea and so much advice in my head I can barely remember who I am.

\--------------

I return to Keto and tell no one. A queen how is carrying is a bigger target. I have no clue how to explain this matter to anyone, anyways, I seem to have lost all my words. I do not even know what I will tell Elian, and I worry.

A child will tie him to me and to this kingdom even more tightly, and I know he is too honorable to ever abandon a child of his or leave it unclaimed. In some ways, I am relieved - I do not have to ask him to stay, the child will do it in my place - but at the same time I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea of him staying when I say I am with child. The healer taught me how to avoid such accidents in the future. I am a bit angry because I am sure Elian knew these tricks and could have thought to use them, but at the same time I already love the life growing inside my belly. Finally, I will have someone to cherish all the time again, someone who will stick around for many years as they mature. More family than just Kahlia faithfully by my side.

Kahlia has been busy with some kind of big project, requiring lots of her time and attentions, and it gives me some more privacy and alone time. I start whispering to the child when I am alone. Wrap my winglike additions around myself and my child, keep us safe in a cocoon of my power where we are loved and together.

And then the _Saad_ returns.

Elian is happy to see me, spends a few sentences on lamenting the mishap of us not having the chance to say goodbye last time and then tells me this will only be a short stop. They're off again in a few days, he says, but not on a long journey this time. Just something he needs to get done.

I immediately abandon any thoughts of telling him about the child now. Instead, I smile and pretend and try to enjoy my time with him and the crew, the playful banter, the long nights and the way Elian kisses me until I forget my name. They seem to notice that I am tired and not quite my usual self, not up to sword fights or climbing the rig. It is easily explained away, I am a busy queen after all. Kahlia joins us for a while and complains about how I never stop working and exchanges understanding looks with the crew. That is that.

This time, I force myself to stay for the goodbye but bury myself into the sand to cry as soon as I am able to. I do not know where they are going, and I do not send my scouts after them. All I want to do is sleep.

But I am a queen, and I have work to do.

\------------

By the time the _Saad_ is sighted again, my belly is undeniably rounded, and my people whisper about an heir. I have told them not to carry the news above water, and they will obey. Even they know that a kingdom with an heir on the way and a slightly vulnerable queen is nothing to advertise widely.

I am reasonably sure no rumors have reached Elian's ears.

Kahlia is wide-eyed with happiness when I finally tell her, not understanding my worries about Elian and how he will feel about this child. 

"I think you worry too much," she says, an annoying glint of knowing in her eyes, "I think your prince is almost ready to settle down."

_Settle down? My prince?_

I laugh.

"What indications have you seen to determine that, cousin? How he stays shorter and shorter times here, how he leaves without advance warning with a smile on his lips or how he never asks if I would wish him to stay?"

The words come out more acidly than I intended and Kahlia blinks. Her face turns sad. "Is that what you think, Lira?" She asks. "That he doesn't care?"

"No," I say resolutely. "It is not that I doubt his feelings for me. I just doubt that they are stronger than his wanderlust. If they are, he has never said."

"You two need to talk to each other," Kahlia says. "Is this why you have been feeling so miserable? You do not feel good about your relationship?" She gathers me into a hug, and I cry. I do not know how to answer. I do not even seem to know the answers myself. Everything just feels wrong now.

Kahlia is the one to greet the crew. I retreat into my palace, wrap myself and the little one up tight and wait. 

Elian comes alone.

He looks worried, uncertain. It makes my heart squeeze painfully. He will likely look worse after I've told him the news.

"Are you ill?" He asks as he comes closer. "Kahlia wouldn't say what was wrong with you. Tell me it is nothing serious, Lira."

"Nothing is permanently wrong with me," I say, and stand, dropping my disguise.

Elian doesn't say anything. For a long time, he stands still, and then he walks forward slowly, legs shaking like seaweed in a current as he drops down to his knees before me, eyes level with my stomach.

"Our child?" He asks uncertainly, and I can't read the emotions on his face. There are too many. So I nod and his head falls gently forward against my skin, arms coming up to wind around my hips. "Oh, Lira," he says, and now he is crying. "You could have sent word. You didn't have to be alone."

I am confused by his tears.

"I didn't want you to feel obligated to come," I say. "And I can handle myself."

The second sentence comes out sharply and he laughs wetly against me. 

"I know you can. Doesn't mean you have to. And I would have wanted to be here to help you."

"You would?" I ask, a bit surprised. 

"Of course," he says, looking up at me like I'm stupid. "It is my child and its mother after all. Where else would I be?"

"Oh," I say, and then I start to cry. _My child and its mother._ He doesn't want to stay for me, but for the child and for the part I play in caring for it. "It is alright if you wish to travel. You can visit when it is born, and I'll tell it all about you when you're away, so it'll remember when you return."

Elian stands and wipes at my tears and looks confused. "You want me to go?"

"I don't want you to feel like you have to stay. You're happier travelling on the _Saad_ than you are here with me, and I can take care of myself. I'm sure I can handle our little one as well."

"Is that what you think?" It looks like he has suddenly had an epiphany, and he grabs me by the shoulders more roughly than I expected of him. "That I am unhappy here with you and would rather be elsewhere?"

I bristle, angered by his words, his tone and his gripping fingers. I do not know where I find the energy to be mad, as I have had no energy for anything for so long.

"Well, isn't it true?" I spit. "You are always in a hurry to leave and you never care to inform me beforehand. It is as if I am an afterthought. You never ask if I want you to stay. You never offer to stay. You have made it quite clear that your freedom and your ability to journey is more important to you than anything else - no matter if crown, duties or love."

"No," he says, looking quite broken and sad and that just makes me madder. _Why did I say that? Why did I try to fight higher onto his list of priorities?_ Now he will have to deny me and we'll both be sad. If I just kept quiet maybe nothing would have changed.

"No, Lira," he says again, cupping my face in suddenly gentle hands. "Listen. I am in a hurry to leave because I hate to linger on the goodbye. I don't inform you because I want to pretend like the departure isn't coming up soon. I never did ask if you wanted me to stay, but that wasn't because I didn't want to. It just wasn't realistic yet."

 _Realistic?_ I scoff.

"I leave more and more of my heart behind every time I turn the _Saad_ towards the horizon, Lira, you have to believe me. You can ask Madrid, Kye, Torik, anyone on the ship, and they'll tell you. I'm miserable without you and I want to stay every time."

"So why go?" I ask.

He smiles slightly and strokes a hand over my messy hair. "Because I knew I wanted to stay with you but could never give up the need to do something, the need to live at sea and learn new things and meet new people. So, I thought of a solution to the problem and I've been working on it. I just wanted to surprise you, and instead I've made you doubt me."

His voice is shaky now. "I love you, Lira. I want to spend time with you. I want to stay, if you'll have me."

"That was never in doubt," I say, and he pulls me into his strong arms, murmuring apologies into my hair.

A while later, we have migrated onto a soft surface and he runs a reverent hand down my torso and over my stomach. The child kicks strongly against it. He turns earnest eyes to me and the magic that is such an inherent part of him and makes me feel like he can see into my soul buzzes over my skin.

"Will you tell me everything?" He asks.

And I do. I find the words to describe slowly building bitterness and jealousy, fear to ask too much of him and destroy what we have. Fear of alienating him by tying him down with this child that I did not know how to prevent. Sleepless nights, restlessness and anxiety, exhaustion and apathy. Love for Kahlia, who has been busy but supportive, for Madrid who has had a frown on her face for me a few times, for him each time I see him. I tell him about discovering the child and about how my love for it seems to eclipse everything, and how I finally understand the look in Kahlia's mother's eyes that day. I find the words to say I'm sorry I did not talk to him, explain how I did not know where to start, what to expect, what was normal. It became a monster in my head, and only now when he is with me does the monster feel conquerable.

He finds the words to apologize to me as well. For not being clear with his intentions. For forgetting that relationships, love, emotions are all new to me, that I have only limited experience and follow his lead. For not teaching me to be independent in this important aspect of our lives. For not realizing I was slipping away. He finds the words to describe how much he wants me and this little one to be his family. 

\-----------

Soon I need to depart for my midday audience, and he follows. I don't realize the implications until the whispers rise up, endless speculations om which merman I have mated with silenced as they finally start contemplating the fact that my human lover is a possibility. We do show a picture of unity, me on my throne with a hand over my child, Elian and Kahlia silent on either side of me. 

Then the grievances start, and I have to concentrate. Many are trivial matters: minor disputes, wishes for me to bless and accept a newborn siren, people seeking approval for contracts, new ideas or business deals with other kingdoms. Most of them I can fix myself, the rest I bid to come back when I have discussed with advisors and checked on the rules and regulations of different treaties. 

I notice that many of my people throw curious glances at Elian, at me and at my stomach. In Keto, sirens are usually not congratulated, and the pregnancy is not acknowledged until the new siren is born and the mother has hunted down the first heart for the child. Only then is the young siren worthy of recognition.

As a queen, I have broken that rule once, to ask for my people's silence, but even then, with few explanations. Today I plan to break it again, as Elian's silent guard by my side gives me courage. I am starting to internalise our conversation from earlier, and I feel like I am slowly believing that he was telling the full truth.

The line of people waiting for my attention has just ended and I am about to open my mouth, when Kahlia steps forward.

"I have a matter for your consideration, Your Majesty," she intonates clearly, and I throw her a quick and confused gaze as a few sirens approach with documents and what looks like a tiny model of something. My confusion deepens when Elian steps away from the throne to join the group and a few other members of the _Saad's_ crew step forward from the crowd.

And then Kahlia and her friends present me with a well thought-out, complete plan for starting to build a sort of floating city in the Sea of Diávolos, close to Keto for an easy dive and anchored to the docks we have already created. A city that would have to be traversed mostly by boats and receive all its supplies by ship, but be strong enough to withstand storms and wind. There is magnificent engineering from Efévresi - ways to turn salt water into drinkable water, mechanical wonders and building plans - with potential contracts for purchase already drawn up. There is a long-term economic plan for how to build up this investment, which countries offer us the best deals on building materials and how the floating city and trade would bring money back in. 

"And," Kahlia says shyly, "any sirens who wish to mate with humans and whose offspring are not siren enough to live in Keto can build a life near the sea but suitable for their family."

I am sold.

I don't show it, of course, because favouritism is still a thing, and I examine all the information they dump at my feet. I will have to postpone this decision, but internally I feel light and happy. So this is what Elian meant when he talked about a realistic solution for him? A compromise. Sea, trade and the opportunity to hear about other's adventures and build something never seen before. But close to me. Has he really been planning this, all the time he has been gone? Managing contracts, discovering new technology for this purpose?

And Kahlia, my devious cousin with her _special project,_ has been in on it the whole time. 

I don't know if I wish to laugh, cry or hug them all, so I thank them for their time and devotion and promise to consider this project that could greatly benefit my kingdom. Kahlia and Elian return to my side. I stand to end the audience.

"Thank you all for bringing your news, your requests and your problems before me today. Before we continue on, I wish to address a change in tradition. As you know, I am expecting a little one with my human mate," I gesture with a tentacle to Elian, "and henceforth I wish such news to be good and celebrated news in our kingdom. The humans congratulate expecting mothers and fathers and take good care of and cherish their young when born. We can learn a lot from their example and raise a generation to keep the peace and prosper."

The room is silent, and then my people bow reverently, accepting my opinion. A few sirens are clearly also expecting offspring and people glance carefully towards them, unsure of how to behave. Madrid, wonderfully, in her wetsuit, turns to one of them and loudly expresses her congratulations and says how radiant the siren looks. Has she been feeling ill during this trying time in creating a new life? No? _How fortunate._ It breaks the ice and others follow her example, some of my advisors carefully approaching me and telling me they are happy there will be a new heir and that I look healthy and strong. They even nod carefully to Elian, for the first time publicly accepting his place in this dynamic. I feel my heart swell with pride as they swim away, their colored tails flashing beautiful lights across the room. 

When the room finally empties, I fling myself at Kahlia and give her a hug. My cousin has clearly learnt how to be devious in an un-monstrous way and I must congratulate her. I am so proud. She has grown up so much and still she works tirelessly by my side, ever loyal, ever caring. 

Then I kiss Elian, and the kiss tastes of forgiveness and salt water. We will build a life together, build up trust again, and hopefully I will slowly start feeling more like myself again.

\----------------

fin.

\----------------

Elian gives over the _Saad_ to his crew and officially retires as captain but remains an honorary member of the crew. He joins them in adventuring occasionally but spends most of his time building and developing the floating city named Lira and later chasing after his three children, both in the city and underwater.

One by one, the crewmembers also settle down, many in the floating city of Lira. Madrid's and Kye's daughter teaches mine all the swearwords she knows, and my heir promptly responds with others that she has heard when visiting seedy pubs with her father. A fight over whose swearwords are better ensues, and my daughter wins by getting the last word and diving into the water where the other girl can't follow. Elian and I have a good laugh over what troublemakers our children are becoming, and then freeze when we realize they will be a combination of both of us when they are grown.

"We are in so much trouble," I say, and then burst into laughter at the look of mock-panic on Elian's face. "They're going to be wildlings." 

He tackles me into bed and smiles, "Like you, my queen?" and I smack him.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it, and that it inspires you to write some of your own and breathe life into this fandom!


End file.
